Marriage, Separation and Divorce

NEW HOME FOR BLOG

2009-07-27T09:50:00.002-04:00

My wife and I have been working hard on setting up a website that also encompasses my blog.

Please see blog at http://stubbornpursuits.wordpress.com/stubborn-pursuits-blog/

While you are at it, hope you check out our website. We will no longer be using this blog soon, so bookmark the new address! Thanks!

Last Ditch Effort for Marriage

2009-07-25T12:55:00.004-04:00

Sometimes a spouse who does not want a marriage to end is willing to make some last ditch efforts for their marriage.

One thing is to pray and fast for wisdom as to what to suggest to your spouse and that their heart would be open and willing.

Here are some things to consider:

Some state laws have a clause where a party can request the court to order counseling. I believe Ohio is one of those states. Sometimes the judge will, sometimes he won't, but might be worth a try.

I have heard of instances of a court in California ordering a couple to go to Retrovaille.

Short of a court order, these are some things to seriously consider asking your spouse to try with you.

My suggestion would be to research these on your own, sort them out, present them to your spouse, and then if they are willing to do any, go, even if it is not your first choice. Then participate wholeheartedly.

Look at my sidebar for Intensives.

Retrouvaille is probably one of the oldest and most established and successful. Retrouvaille is held in retreat centers, hotels, and other venues across the country and is an intensive weekend led by people who have participated in the past. The material is the same regardless of where you participate. They also have followups. The last I knew they just asked for donations if you could. They had a suggested amount depending on the hotel costs. You do not have to share your struggles with others.

National Institute of Marriage and Sharon Hart Morris, do 2 to 4 day intensives, which include alot of professional counseling. These are more expensive, but divorce attorneys and having two households is not cheap.

What turned us around was a one day PAIRS traing by Jeff Williams from www.graceandtruthrelationship.com. He can also do an intensive weekend customized somewhat to your situation.

If you search the web, there are many more alternatives.

Wedding Dance

2009-07-24T16:34:00.004-04:00

After a couple of days reviewing lots of my links, and thinking seriously about how to help marriages - it was refreshing to see this unique and somewhat offbeat way to start a marriage. Hope they can keep up the fun through the years.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/07/24/amazing-wedding-ceremony_n_244241.html

John and Kate plus 25

2009-07-23T20:36:00.002-04:00

Great post by Ron Deal.

http://www.familylifeculturewatch.com/2009/07/jon-kate-plus-25.html

Even a man whose ministry goal is to help step families, believes that fixing the first marriage is easier, less complicated, and most likely better for the children.

Get On With Your Life - NOT!

2009-07-23T14:53:00.004-04:00

Great article by Dr. Talley to refute the common idea in separation/divorce situations that you need to quickly Get On With Your Life. I was so disappointed to hear this type of subtle suggestion from Christians when Sharon and I were separated, but still married, and I wanted reconciliation.

http://drtalley.com/gowyl.html

More Than a Good Night's Sleep

2009-07-22T13:47:00.004-04:00

Over time I have talked to various people about their adventures in the courtroom regarding divorce, dissolution, and child support. Today, I happen to be pondering someone's situation so I just started reading the sections in the Ohio revised code relating to those issues. Some of it is pretty clear, some of it gives me a headache.

Years ago when I was in an estate planning class the professor mentioned that if you died without a will, the state had one for you, so if you didn't like the state's plan, you better write your own. I also have heard the saying, in regard to government programs, "When you get in bed with the government, you get more than a good night's sleep."

It sure appears that if at all possible your life will be less complicated if you can come together with your spouse and work out your problems. Once you get in the court system you lose some measure of control of your life. There appears to be some situations when even you and your spouse might agree, but the court has authority to override your agreement and enforce its own agreement on you both.

Please, make every effort possible to work out things with your spouse and to remain in your marriage. There are so many resources and people to help you, and so many unexpected consequences if you head down the divorce path.

Defending Traditional Marriage

2009-07-21T16:46:00.003-04:00

Good article defending traditional marriage.

http://www.crosswalk.com/news/religiontoday/

Little Bits of Hope

2009-07-20T12:08:00.003-04:00

Sometimes in a marriage crisis it is very hard to find hope.

When my wife and I were separated and she was promising divorce I looked for the tiniest rays of hope.

Some I saw were:
a. She kept wearing her wedding rings.
b. Every day there were no divorce papers in the mail box was a plus.
c. She continued to pay our personal and farm bills.
d. Even though she would not come to marriage counseling, she would come to counseling with my kids as their mother.
e. She didn't do anything rash or unreasonable with our finances even though she had access to all of my personal accounts and our joint accounts.
f. She was doing a Bible study by Beth Moore, "Believing God." I had a hard time believing that if she really drew near to God, that He would give her peace about going through with a divorce.

Temptation

2009-07-09T11:41:00.004-04:00

God says throughout the Bible "Thou shalt not commit adultery." He also says "The wages of sin is death."

Those two statements should be enough to help us keep on the right track, but sometimes I am sobered, and hopefully more resistant to temptation, when I watch some of the world news unfold.

Mark Sanford - Governor, with apparently an intelligent, attractive, wealthy wife and beautiful kids, rising star in the GOP, talked about for President - throws away or tarnishes so much with a woman from Argentina.

Steve McNair. Former football star. Married. Literally dies when his lover shoots him and then herself. Wonder if he had any clue at all what might happen.

Senator Ensign. Rising conservative star in GOP. Has affair with a staffer. Double whammy in that both she and her husband were close to him.

Just sobering to think - "But for the Grace of God, there go I."

Back to working on my own marriage to make it all it can be, because, to me, that is one of the best protections. If I am putting my energy into that, I will have less energy to put anywhere it shouldn't be.

Refocusing on Jesus Throughout the Day

2009-07-08T11:49:00.005-04:00

I have found it helpful over time to refocus my thoughts during the day on Jesus and His Word. Here's a couple of new ways I have found to do this.

I have several Christian friends and family on Facebook and they often post scriptures or worship videos, or Bible studies. I try to slow down and take few moments to ponder some of what has been written or shared.

I have several Christian blogs on my personal blog list and it is helpful just to stop for a few minutes and read a good post that focuses on Christ.

The more I renew my mind with God's Word, the better the day goes, or at least my attitude about the day.

Vacationing with the Ex

2009-07-08T11:29:00.003-04:00

I found this to be an interesting post about taking a vacation with your ex, to help give the kids some sense of family. I realized how powerful the pull to be a family can be - which is a good thing.

I am glad this couple is trying hard to be civilized post-divorce, sad for them, that apparently they didn't work out the issues between them years ago and stay married.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/vacationing-with-my-ex_b_226310.html

Disposable Marriage - by Leah Ward Sears

2009-07-05T22:31:00.003-04:00

This is a great article by retiring Georgia Supreme Court Judge, Leah Ward Sears.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/07/02/sears.family.divorce/index.html

Loving Listening by Jeff Williams

2009-06-29T20:27:00.003-04:00

My friend, Jeff Williams, of Grace & Truth Relationship Education, wrote this about learning to engage in "loving listening" in marriage.

If just one person of a couple really focused on learning this skill with the heart Jeff describes, a marriage could be changed dramatically. If both grasp it, they could be on the way to a whole new marriage.

Loving Listening: The #1 Way To Avoid Pain In Marriage

Marriage Tip: Is It Good Enough? Michael Smalley

2009-06-29T20:17:00.007-04:00

This is from Michael Smalley. Is It Good Enough?

Here are the last lines in the article that really grabbed my attention.

So ask yourself how it’s going and then do something about it. Stop waiting for your spouse to change, do some changing on your own and see how that impacts your marriage. Why sit on the sideline when you can be in the game of becoming the kind of spouse you want to be married to.

Reminds me alot of Dr. Phil in "Relationship Rescue." His premise is that if you want a different marriage start with changing yourself.

Civil Divorce or Civil Marriage

2009-06-29T15:30:00.007-04:00

I just read an article in my local paper today about how to work out a civilized post divorce relationship that works for everyone.

Here were their recommendations:

1. Recognize your role in the conflict. "Hard as it may be to give up the crutch, being honest with yourself is the first step in creating a lasting truce."

2. Keep the kids out of it. "Effective parenting often involves putting yourself second," says Rick Tivers, co-director of the Center for Divorce Recovery in Chicago.

3. Set Boundaries "Use the phone or even talk to their answering machine if personal communication erupts into arguments," Ron Deal says. "Write out exactly what you intend to say, along with answers to their anticipated responses."

4. Be consistent. "No amount of anger over agreements is worth contaminating your relationship with your ex or children," Wolf says.

5. Be considerate. "Begin with a return to basic courtesies such as listening at least as much as you speak during interactions, soliciting your ex's opinion on joint issues and trying to see things from their perspective."

6. Plan for the future. "In the end, whether you and your former spouse become bitter enemies or good friends depends on where you want to end up."

(From "Civil Divorce" by Amish Majumdar http://www.divorce360.com/)

My thought is that if you can really work through all of those things civilly, there is a high probability you could use some of the same principles and attitudes to reconcile your marriage, which to me is even better.

When my wife and I were in legal mediation, trying to mediate a legal separation - which I was willing to do only because it might avoid divorce - our mediator gave us a list of every issue about which we would either agree or the court would decide for us. My thought then was "Gee, these are most of the issues we have struggled with during our marriage such as finances, child rearing etc., so if we get all of these agreed upon, about the only thing left is what we do with our free time, and sex - which was off the table at that time - we might as well stay married."

Thankfully with Christ's help we did reconcile, and learned new ways to work through those many issues.

Relationship Quote

2009-06-28T13:55:00.001-04:00

"...the key to succeeding in marriage is NOT finding the right person; it's YOU becoming the right person. Your relationship is not simply a function of who you pick; it's also a function of who you are." - Dr. Mort Fertel

Letter to Kate, from Today's Christian Woman

2009-06-25T18:37:00.003-04:00

I found this letter to Kate Gosselin from a Today's Christian Woman writer to be a passionate but tactful call to rise up and fight for her marriage. Wish I was more eloquent at times in calling people to honor their marriage vows and to fight on.

http://blog.todayschristianwoman.com/editors/2009/06/words_for_kate_gosselin.html

Smart Marriages

2009-06-23T14:25:00.004-04:00

Smart Marriages is having their annual conference in Orlando from July 6-12. I have been to one of these before. It is basically a huge trade show/conference for about anything to do with marriage and includes secular and faith based approaches. Enough information to overwhelm about anyone, but with a little discernment you can sort out what is most appropriate to your values and interests.

Check it out at www.smartmarriages.com

Conference for the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries

2009-06-23T14:22:00.004-04:00

AMFM is having their annual conference in Phoenix, Arizona from August 3-7. I attended a few years ago and came away encouraged and inspired by the high quality Christian materials available to help with marriage and family issues.

Check out the conference at www.amfmconference.com

Mistakes in Marriage

2009-06-20T09:41:00.004-04:00

Just happened across this article by a writer who was reflecting on her mistakes in marriage.
I realized that I make some of the same mistakes.

I liked her encouragement to touch more, hug more, and kiss more. It can help take care of alot of those little things. I also like her encouragement to focus on the huge pluses of her spouse instead of the imperfections.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/gretchen-rubin/5-mistakes-i-make-in-my-m_b_216701.html

Article from Christianity Today - "I Stayed"

2009-06-19T10:29:00.003-04:00

I found this a great article about the power and necessity of commitment in marriage.

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2009/2009web-only/istayed.html

If you like this you might want to subscribe to Christianity Today's marriage e-newsletter.

"I will, if they will."

2009-06-19T09:50:00.003-04:00

So often I hear a spouse who is separated, even against their wishes, say something like "I am willing to work on our marriage if my spouse will." That is great, but that may not be enough to save a marriage.

Those who really want to save their marriage will make a conscious choice to take a step of faith and continue to work on themselves along with their marriage, even when their spouse is unwilling or pulling away. Faith is the conviction of things not seen - and it does take alot of faith to continue to do your best to fulfill your vows when it appears your spouse isn't. Ultimately though such faith is pleasing to God.

Awesome Marriage Post by Amanda Jones, Beth Moore's daughter

2009-06-19T09:38:00.004-04:00

I found this to be an awesome post about marriage. It was written by Amanda Jones, Beth Moore's daughter.

http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/2009/06/burning-down-house.html

There were some great comments about this post, including this one that really caught my eye by The Skaggs.

I believe love is a choice...Jesus uses the same word love when he says love your enemies as he uses for loving your spouse. I'm certainly not going to love my enemies with the same feel good, cloud 9, emotional love that I feel for my husband. I'm going to have to choose to love my enemies with Gods supernatural power in me, and I'm going to have to choose, daily in Gods power, to love my husband...whether I feel giddy about it that day or we're working on some tough issues at the moment. So when someone comes to me and says they've fallen out of love with their spouse, the spark just isn't there anymore, I'm going to say "no, you are choosing to not love your spouse anymore." And I hope my friends would do the same for me! Hope that made sense! Praise God for the ministry y'all have!

Topic Question

2009-06-12T14:43:00.003-04:00

I really appreciate my readers. I wonder if there are any topics that you have been waiting for me to post about. Let me know and I will see what I can do.

Random Ponderings

2009-06-12T14:35:00.004-04:00

As I look over my list of resources and as I read books and other websites, I realize that there is a huge amount of help for marriages, both secular and Christian. Wonder why people don't utilize it more.

Often wonder why people seem too poor or unwilling to pay for counseling or a marriage seminar, and yet when they give up on their marriage, one way or the other they find the money to pay the attorneys.

I am amazed at how even alot of the secular world is realizing the pluses to stable marriages and both parents being involved in their children's lives. Always interesting when secular research and sources make the same conclusions that the Bible has pointed out for thousands of years.

Wonder what to write that will really inspire my readers.

Marriage vs Children, Which Should Be More Primary?

2009-06-11T13:12:00.003-04:00

Something to ponder.

In God's eyes is our marriage the most important permanent relationship in our lives, or is the relationship with our children?

My personal view is that marriage is more important when a choice has to be made.

Jesus said "Let no man put asunder what God has joined together." God has united us with our spouse in a special bond. He does hold the parent/child relationship in high esteem, but I believe marriage is the more important.

If you think about a typical lifespan a person might be single for 20 or 25 years before marriage. In most circumstances children are only in the home for 18 to 20 years, and by then they should be fully functioning independent adults.

Even if a couple gets married at 25, they can have their 50th wedding anniversary and only be 75 years old. Of those fifty years, maybe 20 or 25 had children in the home if they had two or three children with a couple of years in between.

So bottom line is typically the marriage years last alot longer than the child rearing years.

Another thing to ponder on... Why do so often parents seem to be able to forgive their kids for a myriad of behaviors, still love and accept them and have hope for a better day? But so often, if serious issues or behaviors appear in their marriage, a spouse is quickly looks for ways that a divorce would be Biblically justified so they can be free of their spouse and the spouse's problems. Why do they seem to have little hope that the spouse will ever change, but can believe and hope their children can?

Thought from Beth Moore - The Empty Nest

2009-06-08T20:35:00.003-04:00

I found this on Beth Moore's blog.

Thought it was a good reminder about preparing your marriage for the empty nest.

"You tend to get more attached to your mate when your kids are grown because you're all you have left within your own four walls. It's really important that you darling young wives and moms remember that one day, God and couple-willing, it will be just the two of you again. It will happen before you know it and, if you don't have anything left, it's hard to know where to start again. It's one reason some folks just start all over but there's no need. There are all sorts of adventures to have together. Just keep investing"

By mid August, looks like we will be back to an empty nest, but for now, the kids are home for the summer.

Pouring Out Heart

2009-05-31T16:08:00.007-04:00

I found these to be an excellent posts about prayer by David Wilkerson.

In a marriage crises, I think prayer like this is very appropriate, and I know at times I did it whether verbally or in writing.

http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2009/05/greetings-in-precious-name-of-our-lord.html

http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/2009/06/lord-is-merciful-and-good-to-those-who.html

Bride of Christ

2009-05-28T20:29:00.004-04:00

Well, I have been farming, so not much time to blog but some good time to think.

I have been pondering more about how so much of the Bible emphasizes the Church being the Bride of Christ.

Also how many marriage words are used in the Old Testament to describe God's relationship with Israel, such as adulterers, etc.

I am beginning to think that there is a whole lot more connection between all of this marital imagery in the Bible and the message God wants us to get about our marriages here on earth.

It may very well be alot like the symbolism of the temple in the Old Testament pointing to the sacrifice of Christ as the perfect lamb.

John Piper was one of the first to get me thinking about all of this when he talked about the marriage of Christ and His bride the church being the ultimate reality, and our marriages here reflecting that reality.

Probably why God hates divorce so much.

After I am more rested from planting season, guess it would be helpful to do some more study on these concepts.

Loving Like Christ Loved the Church

2009-05-17T08:51:00.005-04:00

In Ephesians, Paul commands men to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.

So how does that apply in a distressed marriage? I often pondered all the many ways Christ loved the church to get a picture of how I should love my wife even though she wanted out of our marriage.

A few other scriptures come to mind.

I have loved you with an everlasting love.

I will never leave you nor forsake you.

While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

You are the apple of my eye.

Simple Reconciliation Strategy

2009-05-17T08:39:00.008-04:00

Psalm 37:4 ~ Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

Are you separated or in a highly stressed marriage, but long for a wonderful marriage with your spouse? I encourage you to do everything possible to "delight yourself" in the Lord. During our separation, I never perfected this; I went through times of anger, rage, depression, and hopelessness, but when I made a choice to delight myself in the Lord, in spite of everything, I had more peace.

Each person is different, but here are some ways that I delighted in the Lord. Taking a walk on a beautiful day, smelling the flowers, listening to the birds - marveling at God's creation could refresh me - even if I didn't actively pray. I spent alot of time at lakes and parks. In Psalm 23, David says that God will lead us in green pastures and beside still waters.

Sometimes when I was out of sorts, I would take my CD player and put on worship music. Many nights I fell asleep with my headset on. I so appreciated worship music that was based on scripture. Some of my favorites were John G. Elliott and Twila Paris. I was often encouraged by worship at church and felt closer to God.

As you chose to delight yourself in the Lord, He promises that if we draw near to Him, He will draw near to us.

I think you will find that the more you delight in the Lord, the more you will know your next steps in loving your spouse back to your marriage. You will know which of the many resources I have listed or others have are for your situation. When you interact with your spouse, hopefully as you have been refreshed by God - they will see a new you - one who interacts with them in a more loving way.

"I'll do anything to save my marriage!" Really?

2009-05-16T13:07:00.006-04:00

I so often hear from men who are separated, "I'll do anything to save my marriage!" Now, I assume that means anything that is not illegal, immoral, or against Scripture.

I am becoming more and more skeptical when I hear someone say this because so often I will then give some suggestions based on my experience, and what they have told me about their situation, but I will only hear from them a couple of more times. Sometimes I will stay engaged with them over time, but very few suggestions that I make, or others with experience in distressed marriages will make, will ever be tried or followed. I usually hear that they settled for a dissolution and are already dating again.

I wish people would just be more honest with themselves and others and say something like: "I really don't want to lose my marriage, but I am not ready to go all out for it. I will try a few things, but if they don't work quickly, I am just going to go along with a dissolution and look for someone else."

Many marriages in dire straits are healed from some awful stuff, but so few couples will latch on to saving theirs with everything they have within them.

Not sure how to inspire people to never, never, never give up.

God Getting Started

2009-05-16T13:02:00.004-04:00

Sometime during our separation, I read or heard someone say, "Do everything you can think of to save your marriage, and when you have done all that, God is just getting started."

That concept really inspired me to keep on trying different things to save my marriage, with the confidence that He was at work also. I am thankful that I kept trying. If just the resources on this blog are taken seriously, it will keep you busy working on your marriage for a long time. That will give God lots of time to work!

Marriage and College Students

2009-05-16T13:00:00.005-04:00

I found this article about the Ruth Institute interesting. http://www.citizenlink.org/content/A000010034.cfm

I was really drawn to the concept that most college students today really want a life long marriage but don't know how to go about it, and many have no good role models of a good marriage.

Love Dare Titles, Scriptures, Summaries

2009-05-08T15:04:00.005-04:00

Below you will find the Love Dare titles, scriptures and summaries listed for all 40 days. JohnK at http://www.40daylovedare.com/mb/default.asp had listed the scriptures and the summaries on their discussion board. I got it all in one document because I want to be able to post it somewhere at home where I see it as a reminder how to practically love my wife.

What I like about this is that the concepts are emphasized three times. One is the short titles that are easy to remember, second are the short scriptures - we know that God's Word does not return void, and that it is sharper than a two edge sword - and third is the action of love - which are pretty simple, but sometimes hard to do.

I hope to make these Dares a lifestyle. I am sure it will take a lifetime to truly master loving my wife as Christ loves the church.

Day 1: Love is patient
Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. ~ Ephesians 4:2 NIV
Dare: Demonstrate patience and say nothing negative to your spouse.

Day 2: Love is kind
Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you. ~ Ephesians 4:32
Dare: Do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

Day 3: Love is not selfish
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. ~ Romans 12:10
Dare: Buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

Day 4: Love is thoughtful
How precious also are Your thoughts to me…. How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. ~ Psalm 139:17-18
Dare: Contact your spouse with no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them.

Day 5: Love is not rude
He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the morning, it will be reckoned a curse to him. ~ Proverbs 27:14
Dare: Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated simply to gain their perspective.

Day 6: Love is not irritable
He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city. ~ Proverbs 16:32
Dare: Make a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

Day 7: Love believes the best
[Love] believe all things, hopes all things. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7
Dare: Get two sheets of paper. On the first, write out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second. Place both sheets in a secret place. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

Day 8: Love is not jealous
Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire. ~ Song of Solomon 8:6 NIV
Dare: Take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Day 9: Love makes good impressions
Greet one another with a kiss of love. ~ 1 Peter 5:14
Dare: Think of a specific way to greet your spouse that reflects your love for them.

Day 10: Love is Unconditional
God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. ~ Romans 5:8
Dare: Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse.

Day 11: Love Cherishes
Husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. ~ Ephesians 5:28
Dare: Choose a gesture that says, "I cherish you" and do it with a smile.

Day 12: Love lets others win
Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others. ~ Philippians 2:4
Dare: Willingly choose to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse and tell them you are putting their preference first.

Day 13: Love fights fair
If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand. ~ Mark 3:25
Dare: Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement and resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs.

Day 14: Love takes delight
Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life. ~ Ecclesiastes 9:9 HCSB
Dare: Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse.

Day 15: Love is honorable
Live with your wives in an understanding way… and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life. ~1 Peter 3:7
Dare: Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.

Day 16: Love intercedes
Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. ~ 3 John 2
Dare: Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse's life and in your marriage.

Day 17: Love promotes intimacy
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends. ~ Proverbs 17:9 NIV
Dare: Determine to guard your mate's secrets and to pray for them.

Day 18: Love seeks to understand
How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding. ~ Proverbs 3:13
Dare: Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you and focus this time on getting to know your spouse better in areas you've rarely talked about.

Day 19: Love is impossible
Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. ~ 1 John 4
Dare: Look back over the dares from previous days and assess your need for God to change your heart to love. Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination.

Day 20: Love is Jesus Christ
While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. ~ Romans 5:6
Dare: Dare to take God at His Word. Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation. Dare to pray, "Lord Jesus, I'm a sinner. But you have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection. Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace."

Day 21: Love is satisfied in God
The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire. ~ Isaiah 58:11
Dare: Be intentional about making a time to pray and read your Bible.

Day 22: Love is faithful
I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord. ~ Hosea 2:20
Dare: Say to your spouse in words similar to these, "I love you. Period. I choose to love you even if you don't love me in return."

Day 23: Love always protects
[Love] always protects. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:7 NIV
Dare: Remove any addiction or influence that's stealing your affections and turning your heart away from your spouse.

Day 24: Love vs Lust
The world is passing away, and also its lusts; but the one who does the will of God lives forever. ~ 1 John 2:17
Dare: Identify every object of lust in your life and remove it. Replace it with the sure promises of God and a heart filled with His perfect love.

Day 25: Love forgives
What I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, I did it for your sakes in the presence of Christ. ~ 2 Corinthians 2:10
Dare: Whatever you haven't forgiven in your mate, forgive it today. Say from your heart, "I choose to forgive."

Day 26: Love is responsible
When you judge another, you condemn yourself, since you, the judge, do the same things. ~ Romans 2:1 HCSB
Dare: Take time to pray through your areas of wrongdoing.

Day 27: Love encourages
Guard my soul and deliver me; do not let me be ashamed, for I take refuge in You. ~ Psalm 25:20
Dare: Think of one area where your spouse has told you you're expecting too much, and tell them you're sorry for being so hard on them about it.

Day 28: Love makes sacrifices
He laid down His life for us. We should also lay down our lives for our brothers. ~ 1 John 3:16 HCSB
Dare: Recognize one of the greatest needs in your spouse's life. Whether the need is big or small, purpose to do what you can to meet the need.

Day 29: Love’s motivation
Render service with a good attitude, as to the Lord and not to men. ~ Ephesians 6:7 HCSB
Dare: Pray for your spouse by name and for their needs. When you see them, say "I love you," then express love to them in some tangible way. Go to God in prayer again, thanking Him for giving you the privilege of loving this one special person.

Day 30: Love brings unity
Father, keep them in Your name, the name which You have given Me, that they may be one even as We are. ~ John 17:11
Dare: Isolate one area of division in your marriage, and pray about it.

Day 31: Love and Marriage
A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and the shall become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:24
Dare: Confess a "leaving" issue to your spouse, and resolve to make it right.

Day 32: Love meets sexual needs
The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband. ~ 1 Corinthians 7:3
Dare: Try to initiate sex with your husband or wife in a way that honors what they have told you (or implied to you) about what they need from you sexually.

Day 33: Love completes each other
If two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? ~ Ecclesiastes 4:11
Dare: Let your spouse know you desire to include them in your upcoming decisions, and that you need their perspective and counsel.

Day 34: Love celebrates Godliness
[Love] does not rejoice in unrighteousness, bur rejoices with the truth. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:6
Dare: Find a specific, recent example when your spouse demonstrated Christian character and commend them for this.

Day 35: Love is accountable
Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed. ~ Proverbs 15:22 NIV
Dare: Find a marriage mentor.

Day 36: Love is God’s Word
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. ~ Psalm 119:105
Dare: Commit to reading the Bible every day.

Day 37: Love agrees in prayer
If two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father. ~ Matthew 18:19
Dare: Ask your spouse if you can begin praying together.

Day 38: Love fulfills dreams
Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. ~ Psalm 37:4
Dare: Ask yourself what your mate would want if it was obtainable and commit it to prayer.

Day 39: Love endures
Love never fails. ~ 1 Corinthians 13:8
Dare: Spend time in personal prayer, then write a letter of commitment and resolve to your spouse.

Day 40: Love is a covenant
Where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God, my God. ~ Ruth 1:16
Dare: Write out a renewal of your vows and place them in your home.

Emergency Wakeup for Separated

2009-05-06T12:54:00.004-04:00

If you are separated from your spouse now, especially against your wishes, I am sorry. Please see my prior post about compassion for the separated.

However, I feel compelled to give you some warnings and some wake up calls.

For a moment, think of how you act or maybe have reacted in an emergency - maybe you come on a car accident, or one of your children or someone you know is hurt. At first, you feel really sorry for the other person, or afraid, or maybe even you are a little paralyzed as to what to do. After a few moments you realize - for this person's sake - I have got to get myself together and make some quick decisions, going with the best I know, and doing the best I can, right now.

Well, if you are separated from your spouse, your marriage is in emergency mode. If you went to a first responder's class to know how to deal with emergencies, someone who has alot more experience would teach you some keys to how to most effectively respond in an emergency, and then when you do find yourself with an emergency you recall what they said and make adjustments the best you know how.

First of all you are in a spiritual battle. The apostle Paul reminds us that we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers and spiritual wickedness in high places and the weapons of our warfare are not of this world, but divinely powerful for demolishing strongholds. With that said - prayer, fasting, and digging into God's Word, has to be your number one priority. There are multiple resources on this website if you need help.

If you have a struggle with out-of-control anger, get help immediately. Depending on what state you are in, any hint of domestic violence, and sometimes even a false accusation of it, can get legal wheels turning in a hurry and drastically - so take this seriously if there is any hint that there is a problem.

If you want your marriage restored it has to be a top priority - marriage reconciliation does not work when it is added onto an already too full schedule. This may mean a drastic change in work commitments, ministry commitments, how you spend free time, etc. Be aware that alot of people may not understand your changes, but this is your marriage, your life, your future - they don't have to live with the consequences day and night for the rest of their lives - you do.

The sooner you can get to a 100% conviction to do all you can to save your marriage, regardless of your spouse's attitude about your marriage, the sooner your marriage is likely to heal and the less likely you are to divorce. I cannot get you to that point, but hopefully on this blog you will find inspiration to move along with the help of the Holy Spirit.

I encourage you to reach out for help - to pastors, counselors, or friends. If one person or group of people doesn't know how to help or support you - look for another. If people you reach out to have an indifferent attitude towards your desire for a reconciled marriage, look for others who will encourage you.

In the realm of finances, I would be cautious about making huge changes, unless someone is totally irresponsible with money. One question to ask yourself: If we reconcile, what would our financial structure look like? and then make adjustments in line with the assumption that you will reconcile.

This is probably going to be a hard road for awhile. I am sorry, but deep deep down, maybe even as never before, you will need to decide if your marriage is worth fighting for with all that you have. I hope you do make that decision.

Compassionate Encouragement for the Separated

2009-05-06T12:45:00.005-04:00

If you are separated from your spouse now, either physically or emotionally, I am so sorry. I was separated for 16 months from my wife at her request, before we reconciled.

I know this is probably a time for you with alot of complex emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, regret.

One helpful illustration I saw in a Divorce Care video was a picture of a music equalizer. During normal marriage our energy ebbs and flows between our physical life, emotional life, and spiritual life, but during a separation or divorce, our energy going into the emotions spikes to the top of the chart.

That may be how you feel now. You may be feeling hopeless also, especially if this is a separation that you don't want.

I hope you find lots of encouragement at this blog, both from parts of our testimony and from other resources.

If you are a Christian, I remind you that the Holy Spirit is our Comforter.

Team of Two

2009-05-05T10:24:00.004-04:00

A concept I originally heard from Dave and Dawn Lind of Focus on Purpose Ministries is the idea that we, as a married couple, are a team of two. This has greatly encouraged me in my own marriage.

I have been receiving marriage coach training by Jeff Williams of Grace & Truth Relationship Education. He emphasizes another concept that our marriages have a bigger purpose than just us. They are to help others.

Haven't quite got all of this sorted out yet on a practical basis in our own marriage, but we are working on it.

Bigger Picture of Marriage

2009-05-05T10:18:00.004-04:00

I am just starting to read "From Eternity to Here" by Frank Viola. He helps the reader to think about what God's big purpose was for creation before the Fall. He contends that God created us (the church) to be a bride for His Son Jesus.

This concept ties in with some of what I heard years ago by John Piper in his tapes about Biblical Manhood and Womanhood. He pointed out that our earthly marriages are but a reflection of the real marriage in heaven between Christ and His church.

As I ponder these concepts, it raises my view of marriage and why God is so concerned about protecting it and why He hates divorce so much.

Military Vows, Marriage Vows

2009-05-02T17:12:00.002-04:00

I have never been in the military, so I don't have first hand experience, but as I have been pondering the solemnity of marriage vows and the commitment for life, the closest I could come to a similar level of commitment as marriage was the military.

Article About Retrouvaille

2009-05-02T16:45:00.003-04:00

http://www.detnews.com/article/20090428/OPINION01/904280313/1008/Faith-inspired+sessions+could+save+marriages

Thought this was a great article about Retrouvaille.

Marriage Standards in Churches

2009-05-02T13:01:00.002-04:00

This article by Jason Krafsky http://marriagejunkie.com/2009/04/30/churches-effectively-promote-premarital-ministry-on-your-website/ is meant to showcase effective ways to market a church's marriage ministry.

The article had an added bonus for me in that it showcased the high value that some churches are putting on marriages.

Some common features of these pre-marriage programs are:

1. A premarital inventory such as FOCCUS or Prepare.

2. Premarital counseling or mentoring.

3. Signing a purity pledge where you don't sleep together or live together until marriage.

4. Requiring both partners to be Christians.

5. Recommending 4 to 10 months of preparation before marriage.

I am encouraged that some churches are really upholding a high standard for marriage in their church.

Beth Moore - Love Teaching

2009-05-02T11:07:00.002-04:00

Good teaching from Beth Moore about how to love, which can be applied to a spouse that is not very lovable right now.

http://www.oneplace.com/common/player/oneplace/CustomPlayer.asp?bcd=4/20/2009&url=mms://wm.salemweb.net/a3186/o29/oneplace/wm/lpb/lpb20090420.wma&MinTitle=Living+Proof+with+Beth+Moore&MinURL=http://www.oneplace.comhttp://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living_proof_with_beth_moore/&MinArchives=http://www.oneplace.comhttp://www.oneplace.com/ministries/living_proof_with_beth_moore/archives.asp&Refresh=&AdsCategory=MINISTRY.LPB&Show_ID=420

Emergency Labels

2009-04-30T17:17:00.004-04:00

If you are in a marriage crisis situation now, I am so sorry for your pain and fear.

If you came here looking for help and hope I would suggest first looking under my EmergencyLinks on the right sidebar.

I have been starting to review my posts and labeling those that seem to be most fitting for those who are in a crises or emergency in their marriage.

Just click on the label Emergency at the bottom and Google will pull up those posts.

If you page down through the older Emergency posts you will find alot of our testimony.

Beyond Affairs Network - Brecht Testimony

2009-04-30T09:52:00.006-04:00

Thankfully, my wife and I didn't have to deal with an affair. I know many people do, so I wanted to post this story of a marriage healed from adultery.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1173014/My-husbands-affair-BEST-thing-happened-marriage.html

See more info about recovering from affairs at http://www.beyondaffairs.com/ which is also one of the links under Separation on my sidebar.

Josh McDowell, Divorce Comments

2009-04-30T08:45:00.003-04:00

I wish I could say things as succintly as Josh. Really liked this post on Facebook.

Divorce—It’s Never Over
Last time I said that I believe that divorce has a greater negative impact on a child than the death of a parent. To continue, a second reason I think it is more difficult to lose a parent through divorce than through death is the lack of finality. When a parent dies, it is painful, but the child eventually realizes Mom or Dad is gone and experiences a measure of closure. After a period of mourning, he goes on with his life.But there is no finality with divorce. It isn’t over in the lives of the kids when the papers are signed. There is no mourning period after which he picks up the pieces, goes on with his life, and begins the healing process. The reality of divorce is that it returns every holiday, every summer vacation, and—for many youngsters—every weekend. The pain of separation goes on and on. Christmas with Mom, New Year’s with Dad, Easter dinner at Dad’s house, Thanksgiving dinner at Mom’s, spring break with one parent and summer vacation with the other. There’s no end to it.

If you have a Facebook account, you can read his post and comments at the link below.
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/note.php?note_id=76360121497

New Legal Section

2009-04-21T14:11:00.005-04:00

I have just started a section for links about legal issues.

Mary's Advocates is a group founded by Bai McFarlane - a Catholic who did not want a divorce. Good info on both Catholic view of marriage and some legal issues.

Mike McManus from Marriage Savers wrote an article about how to reform no fault divorce laws.

Stephen Baskerville, a professor at Patrick Henry College, wrote an article about our unjust divorce laws.

Marriage Forum is just a one page resource about legal issues, I expect it to have more in the future.

The Divorce Resource Center looks like it has alot of good insights into divorce law including a link to a book by Judy Parejko ("Stolen Vows") which appears to give more history about how we got to so much no-fault divorce.

It is sad that in a country that upholds justice and people's rights, marriages that were jointly entered into with solemn vows can be so easily torn apart by one party.

I heard someone say once that it was easier to get out of a marriage than to get out of a car loan.

Winshape Retreat Center

2009-04-21T12:15:00.004-04:00

If you look under my Community Marriage Resources you will find a link for Winshape Retreat in Georgia. My understanding is that Winshape has been hugely influenced by the Truet Cathy family - primary people behind Chick-Fil-A, and is dedicated to being a place for Christians to retreat, reflect, get help on their marriage, etc.

You can go there just as an individual or a couple for some time alone. If you are an organization and want to host a retreat for marriages, or team building, there are accomodation for such things. If you want a prepackaged retreat they have various choices even for crisis marriages. Some of the prepackaged retreats are sponsored by outside groups such as the National Institute For Marriage.

For marriage specific info go here.
http://winshaperetreat.org/index.php/come/programming/marriage_programming/

Note to Stable Marriages

2009-04-15T14:26:00.005-04:00

If you are reading this blog and have a stable marriage, not a perfect marriage, and whether you've been married five years or 5o years, you have something to offer to others. Your love and experience is desperately needed by others.

There are all sorts of very vocal people extolling the virtues of many alternative life styles whether cohabitation, gay marriage, singlehood with adopted children, or single motherhood by invitro children. But, there are stable straight marriages in every community and if more and more of them come forward and share their insights and experiences with their families, their neighbors, their church, their friends - the tide might turn in many couples' marriages.

If you want to help and are clueless where to start browse under Community Marriage Resources on this blog, contact your local pastor and ask about mentor training and opportunities, but most of all let your love for your spouse shine through wherever you are.

Some Ponderings Regarding Legal Issues

2009-04-15T13:59:00.004-04:00

For some of my earlier thoughts on legal issues, type "legal issues" in the search box and you will find several posts.

This post consists of some random things that I have picked up from what I learned during our separation, things I have read, and listening to people who have been through the legal system.

Disclaimer: I am not an attorney and do not give you any legal advice. These are my own findings and opinions.

I understand many attorneys will give a free short consultation, before they ask for a retainer.

If you go to the library or a bookstore there are various books about the legal process and about representing yourselves. Many of them are under the law section, some may be under the relationship/marriage section.

There tend to be a couple of types of attorneys: a. ones who are very aggressive as a default mode of operation, and b. those who try to negotiate their way through a situation with the least legal aggression possible.

Our court system is set up as an adversarial system - two sides going at it with each trying to win. Many secular people are even starting to realize that this is a disastrous way to work through marriage and children issues, and there has been much more push for more alternative dispute resolution such as mediation.

If you have children - I think it is correct that in some way you will be somewhat under the jurisdiction of the court until they are 18 years old - maybe longer, if there is an agreement for lifetime alimony. In other words, once you have an agreement in place regarding finances, kids, etc., if you want to modify it, because of circumstances changing such as a loss of job, loss of income, one spouse moves and upsets the balance on child visitation, etc. etc. you may have to go back to court to get things resolved again, especially if your ex- spouse doesn't see things your way.

An attorney who spoke on the "Choosing Wisely Before You Divorce" tape bluntly said something like - when you go to court you are going to war with your spouse and everything dear to you is at risk.

One thing to keep in mind if you believe your spouse is being unrealistic about your situation, and does not seem to be listening at all to you, is the principle of natural consequences.

As parents, for example, we may tell a child to keep his hand off the stove, we may spank them, we may reason with them, and someday we may miss being there at just the right instant and they burn their hand, but we help them recover. Because they didn't listen to us it can be a very painful way to go for both parent and child, but usually the message gets through when it happens.

Sometimes one spouse seems to think that being divorced is just going to be wonderful in spite of all the statistics, stories, and pastoral admonishments. Someday when the reality is they have all the kids, one is sick and they have no sick leave and their ex- spouse is off doing their own thing - or when all the bills of maintaining two residences and paying attorneys and having doubles of alot of household items starts hitting home, and the creditors start calling, it may dawn on them that divorce isn't Easy Street. Then they may want to work things out, but it's too late. Sadly sometimes it never does get through to them.

Enough reality check for now. If you are in a stressed marriage/divorce situation I am sorry for your pain. There is hope and healing. Many resources and encouragement are available on this blog.

Peacemaking/Conflict Resolution

2009-04-13T17:58:00.004-04:00

I have just added a new resource under General/Misc. www.peacemaker.net is a website devoted to Christian peacemaking principles whether in the home, church, business, etc. I think they have alot of solid biblical principles and they have lists of professionals who have been trained in those principles.

Resurrection

2009-04-13T16:21:00.005-04:00

Yesterday was Easter where we celebrated the Resurrection of Jesus from the dead. I am mindful of the fact that Jesus took our marriage, which was dead, and resurrected it to new life. Bits and pieces of that testimony are on this blog; long term my wife and I hope to write a book about our story. I am thankful that Jesus does resurrect marriages.

Radical Way to "Inspire" Couples

2009-04-08T20:54:00.004-04:00

One frustration we have as we work with marriages is how to inspire couples to really take concepts that we teach them and use them outside of our meetings. We were commiserating about this with another couple who helps marriages when we had an idea.

When a couple comes to the church for help tell them - we can teach you, and you can either work at it, or if you don't want to make the effort, the church has attorneys available who will then pass a finders' fee on to help fund the marriage ministry for those who do want help. You can each have an attorney and go at it.

Please don't take this as a serious proposition, but sometimes as marriage helpers, you feel like doing something radical to wake people up.

Contrast

2009-04-04T07:49:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I happened to be on Facebook. One post was from a lady I know who was saying she was thankful for 16 years of marriage. The next post was from another lady I happen to know is divorced or in the final stages of divorce.

I don't know either women deeply, but they both go to the same church faithfully, are in the same age bracket, both have children, both have always been kind and friendly to me when I have spoken to them.

The thought crossed my mind - this is a picture of the church- about half divorced. I just wondered to myself what the differences are behind the scenes as to why one marriage has held in there, and one didn't. My hunch is the lady whose marriage didn't make it is wondering the same thing.

I just feel sad at how many marriages, even in the church, don't make it. One thing I heard several times in Divorce Care is that each divorce is the death of a small civilization.

Inspiring Story of Committment

2009-03-31T09:22:00.002-04:00

I found this story of a wife sticking with a husband through his drinking problem to be inspiring.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/LIVING/03/04/cafferty.excerpt.3/index.html

Divorced 17 Years, Then Remarried

2009-03-27T17:37:00.002-04:00

I hope you enjoy this story about a couple who was divorced for 17 years, and then fell back in love after she gave him a kidney. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29875012/

The Lord's Prayer

2009-03-27T13:39:00.003-04:00

This is an excellent post from Rejoice Ministries about the power of praying the Lord's Prayer. During some of my darkest days during our separation, speaking the Lord's Prayer and Psalm 23 helped me hang in there. I would feel awful then speak aloud those two things, then in a little while I'd be in a better place emotionally.

The Power Of The Lord's Prayer

"One day Jesus was praying in a certain place. When he finished, one of his disciples said to him, "Lord, teach us to pray, just as John taught his disciples." He said to them, "When you pray, say: "'Father, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us. And lead us not into temptation.'" Luke 11:1-4

How often do you pray "The Lord's Prayer?" This is one prayer that most Christians and many people of the world know by heart. It is also the words that our Lord Jesus taught His disciples when they asked Him how to pray. Do you think you and I should pray it more frequently?

We have been asking if you will join us in "turning up the heat" in your prayer life and consider fasting at least one meal a week or more as the Lord leads you personally. I really want our standers to see a mighty breakthrough in their own spiritual lives, answers to their many issues they are facing and resurrection of their hurting or dead marriages, suddenly.

Today, may I suggest you pray the Lord's Prayer during your prayer and devotion time? As you pray the Lord's Prayer may you know that you are to praise your Heavenly Father daily. Are you praising the Lord each day? As you start praying, listen to possibly five to ten minutes of music or read a hymn or a praise song to your Lord, glorifying His Holy Name. We need to worship our mighty awesome God. May we never forget that He is Holy.

"Ascribe to the LORD the glory due his name; worship the LORD in the splendor of his holiness." Psalm 29:2

As we are approaching Palm Sunday, may we remember what Jesus said:

"When he came near the place where the road goes down the Mount of Olives, the whole crowd of disciples began joyfully to praise God in loud voices for all the miracles they had seen: "Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!" Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!" "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." Luke 19:37-40

Regardless, of what you are facing today, praise your Lord. You will sense His presence and our Lord inhabits the praises of His people. As you fast, you may sense your Lord's holiness so much more. Let me share the powerful words to a hymn that is known by most Christians - "Holy, Holy, Holy":

Holy, Holy, Holy

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
Early in the morning our song shall rise to thee.
Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty,
God in three persons, blessed Trinity!

Holy, holy, holy! All the saints adore thee,
Casting down their golden crowns around the glassy sea;
Cherubim and seraphim falling down before thee,
Which wert, and art, and evermore shalt be.

Holy, holy, holy! Though the darkness hide thee,
Though the eye of sinful man thy glory may not see,
Only thou art holy; there is none beside thee,
Perfect in power, in love and purity.

Holy, holy, holy! Lord God Almighty!
All thy works shall praise thy name, in earth and sky and sea.
Holy, holy, holy! Merciful and mighty,
God in three persons, blessed Trinity.
Written by Reginald Heber and Music by John B. Dykes (Song-Public Domain)

The Lord's Prayer is a model prayer showing you and I how to pray. A couple of years ago, I went to a conference teaching on "The Lord's Prayer" by Dr. Elmer Towns. He wrote a book, "Praying The Lord's Prayer For Spiritual Breakthrough." You now know why I went to that conference. Dr. Towns shared a story where many years before he had talked to Dr. Yonggi Cho from Seoul, South Korea who was the pastor for the largest church in the world and the largest church in Christian history. Dr. Towns asked Dr. Cho at breakfast how to become more effective in his own praying as he wanted to be more godly and to have more power in prayer. Dr. Cho told Dr. Towns that he prayed The Lord's Prayer many times a day, emphasizing a different petition each time he prayed the Lord's Prayer and then he added that he would spend two hours a day in prayer.

As we get closer to Easter, Bob and I are praying for a spiritual breakthrough in all standers' lives, in their marriages and in their children's lives. As you listen to the news daily, times are tough right now around the world, but God is in control. He wants His children to focus on Him and grow in the Lord, by seeking His face.

Your Lord may be speaking to your heart that you need to pray more. How long are your praying? It is very important to pray and read the Bible daily. How are you doing? You can buy a daily prayer journal where you can write down your prayer requests and pray for other people that have special needs. Then on another page, write down the answers to your prayers and your praise reports. You will be surprised of all the blessings that the Lord gives you, when you write them down. Be sure to show your children, also.

Will you join me in praying The Lord's Prayer? I started praying The Lord's Prayer more than once a day after I went to that conference. Ask the Lord to open your spiritual eyes, ears and heart to see and know the power in praying The Lord's Prayer daily. Remember, Jesus taught His disciples to pray that prayer for a reason. I pray that you will dissect the prayer and pray it with a new meaning from your heart, I know you will be blessed.

God bless,
Charlyne Steinkamp
Rejoice Marriage Ministries, Inc.
Post Office Box 10548
Pompano Beach, FL 33061 USA
http://rejoiceministries.org
http://rejoiceministries.org/r.php?num=tizwl

Drastic "Solution" for Communicating in Marriage

2009-03-26T09:49:00.002-04:00

I found this to be an interesting, although NOT recommended, solution to the problem of a husband not listening.

http://www.sherimueller.com/2009/03/25/lets-talk-handcuffs-required/

McManus/Retrouvaille

2009-03-25T07:05:00.005-04:00

This is from Mike McManus' column and discusses Retrouvaille.
http://ethicsandreligion.com/redesignedcolumns/C1438.htm

I did a lot of research on Retrouvaille during our separation and was planning to make a last minute appeal to Sharon to attend. Really sounded like a quality program with awesome testimonies and a long history. Thankfully we reconciled even though we never went to Retrouvaille, but I would recommend struggling couples to seriously consider going. I believe that they take donations for the weekend rather than having a set fee. You can find more info in my resource list.

Remodeling

2009-03-25T05:20:00.002-04:00

My wife and I are in the midst of remodeling/redecorating a sizable portion of our home we just moved into a couple of weeks ago.

On some blog I saw recently there was an article that discussed whether remodeling would draw a couple together.

I think in a way it can although it certainly does add some subjects for possible conflicts. You can use the time to learn more about each others preferences and if you slow down enough to listen, you may even learn the why behind some of those preferences.

Hopefully over the years of looking back, there will be some enjoyment of the hardwork.

I still have some good memories of our last major overhaul from 1995.

Marriage Is Hard Work

2009-03-16T21:03:00.003-04:00

The older I get the more I get over some of my ideas of just hitting the groove to constant romantic bliss with my wife, and I realize that marriage is just plain hard work - but well worth the effort.

The more I read other blogs about marriage, the more I realize that alot of strong marriages are strong because of the hard work of the partners.

Update

2009-03-16T21:01:00.005-04:00

I haven't posted for awhile because my wife and I just moved 425 miles and are now in the midst of unpacking, stripping wallpaper, painting, etc. I really appreciate those of you who read. I hope some of what I say is helpful.

I expect to be getting back on track with more posts again soon.

Praying For Your Marriage

2009-03-06T13:33:00.004-05:00

A simple start to praying for your marriage is to pray through the prayers in Stormi O'Martian's book "The Power of A Praying Husband" or the "The Power of A Praying Wife".

God can do exceedingly more than we can ask or imagine.

A Key To Saving Your Marriage By Yourself

2009-03-06T13:30:00.004-05:00

One key to saving your marriage by yourself is when your spouse says they are done, never give up.

After a 16 month separation where my wife said in no uncertain terms that she was getting a divorce, she now thanks me that I didn't give up and she is thankful for our reconciliation.

The Bachelor

2009-03-04T15:45:00.003-05:00

Well, unless you are totally out of the media loop, which really might not be an all bad thing, you know by now that this season's Bachelor got engaged to one girl on TV and then six weeks later dumped her on national TV to date his number 2.

You will also know that alot of people are not happy.

I have not been a big Bachelor fan, but did watch some more towards the end of the season.

One thought I have had is that even though he caused Melissa alot of pain, and we can argue until the cows come home if he should have known it before he gave her the ring, far better a broken engagement, than a broken marriage.

One thing that was mentioned several times on the show was the importance of following your heart. That reminded me of something I heard lately from some speaker or writer about the fact that we need to lead our hearts, not just follow them.

I thought that was a really good concept of leading our heart. The Bible does tell us that we need to guard our hearts. We do have to be careful with our hearts, keep our brain engaged, and think Biblically, or we can wind up in all sorts of messes.

New Link

2009-03-02T09:22:00.003-05:00

Under Marriage Links there is a new link to a forum about marriage sponsored by Focus on the Family.

Review of Focus On Marriage Simulcast

2009-03-01T11:41:00.004-05:00

My wife and I attended the Focus on Marriage Simulcast on Saturday. It was wonderful. The progression of the day was to really dig into the issues behind having a right heart for our marriage and God's perspective on our hearts, then later in the day to some more practical aspects.

Gary Thomas has written a book called "Sacred Marriage" where he asks the question, "What if God designed marriage not to make us happy, but to make us holy?" Really gets you thinking. He emphasized that we have to have the "heart to" right in our marriage before any "how to's" will work. He also reminded us that marriage is not about "being young together" but "growing old together."

One scripture he emphasized was from James where he says that we all "stumble in many ways." Just a good reminder that if you put a man "who stumbles in many ways" together with a woman "who stumbles in many ways" and add some children who "stumble in many ways" you are going to have some problems. That is just life in this world - but that is where love and forgiveness come in to equation.

Another big picture idea he discussed was to think about whether we base our happiness in marriage on being a "God-centered spouse" or a "Spouse-centered spouse." If we look to our spouse for our ultimate happiness we will be disappointed because they will stumble in many ways, however if we look to God for our ultimate happiness and joy, then we can love our spouse with His love, because He fills the holes in us that our spouse can't.

Another concept Gary Thomas reminded us of is that God is the Father of our spouse, which makes God our Father-in-Law. We need to treat our spouse with respect and honor just like we would if we really wanted to honor our father-in-law.

Beth Moore shared alot about her own ups and downs in marriage. I love listening to Beth because she is so authentic and so grounded in scripture and her love for Christ shines through. I got the idea that there had been many times she just wanted to give up on her marriage, but she didn't. One of the most touching things she said was about how at the marriage of each of her children and the birth of one of her grandchildren, she had looked at her husband and been so thankful to God that she had not given up on her marriage.

I wish I had a YouTube clip of her pleading with people to not give up on their marriages that I could play for couples who want to give it all up. She says what I often want to say, but don't seem to know how to with the love and passion that she does.

One concept she brought up was about fighting in marriage. She said that sometimes we need a good fight in our marriages, but it needs to be a fight for our marriage, not against our spouse.

One thing that struck me was that Beth said that if any woman ever tried to take her husband from her, she would give that woman a fight because she would not let her man go. I love that attitude.

Del Tackett. Well, I am getting older. I didn't take a note on what he said, and now I can't remember his points. Maybe I was hungry for lunch and not enough energy going to my brain cells.

Gary Smalley spoke in the afternoon. One key point that he made was that for 40 some years he had tried to change his wife with no luck. He finally gave up, turned her over to God and then focused on learning how to love God and her. When he focused more on himself and what God wanted him to do, then he began seeing changes in her also.

His key point was that we are helpless without Christ, and the key way to get Christ's power is to admit our helplessness, ask for His help, and then memorize and speak out scriptures. As we consistently speak scriptures God will change our hearts. He also mentioned that most of our stress in life comes from trying constantly to meet the expectations of the world.

Last but not least was John Trent speaking about the 2-degree change. His point was that often we get convicted of something or inspired by a speaker, and then try to turn 180 degrees on a dime, get overwhelmed and give up.

He pointed out that we can make a huge difference in our life if we work on things two degrees at a time. Take small steps in various areas of your lives, do them consistently, and then do more, and you can have big changes.

I was encouraged because I can see how we have already been implementing some small changes in our lives, and seeing positive effects so that inspires me to keep on and make some more changes.

Encouraging Statistic

2009-02-27T16:14:00.004-05:00

I was just on Two of Us and saw an interesting statistic that 82% of 18-30 year olds hope to have a lifelong marriage. With rampant divorce, the amount of cohabitation, and the current emphasis on gay marriage, I am encouraged that so many young people still dream to have a lifelong marriage. Part of my challenge is helping find effective ways for their dreams to become reality.

Focus on Marriage Simulcast, Sat. Feb 28

2009-02-25T21:18:00.002-05:00

There is a Focus on Marriage Simulcast on Saturday Feb. 28, with lots of top notch speakers like Gary Smalley, Beth Moore, etc.

You can sign up through Friday. Go to the link below to find a location near you,

Focus on Marriage Simulcast

Simple Help

2009-02-24T16:02:00.004-05:00

I am in a writing class and our assignment is to do some competitive market research. I went to Amazon and searched for marriage reconciliation. It is amazing how much encouragement you can get by just reading the limited "Look Inside" summaries on some books. There is so much help out there with just a few clicks of the keyboard.

New Help For The Separated

2009-02-23T14:43:00.002-05:00

I just started a blog yesterday at www.savemymarriage7.blogspot.com. My idea is that people who desperately want to save their marriage, can dialogue with me and hopefully I can give them encouragement and point them to helpful resources. My hope is that I can comfort others with the comfort I received when I desperately wanted my marriage to turn around.

Mother Lode of Community Marriage Info

2009-02-23T14:30:00.004-05:00

I came across these links on Smart Marriages.

http://smartmarriages.com/grants.html#registry

http://smartmarriages.com/directory_browse.html#type_19

There is a boatload of info here about community marriage resources and, if you dig through it, alot of help for individual marriages. This certainly gives reason to hope for a more positive change in tide for marriage.

Federal Pro Marriage Ads

2009-02-20T10:26:00.006-05:00

Some days I read so many sources I can't remember where I saw something, but I was encouraged the other day to see that the federal government is going to run an ad campaign to encourage marriage. Many in the government are seeing the pluses from a secular and economic perspective of saving marriages, i.e. less single family homes, less people in poverty, etc.

Now, if we the church can reinforce the message from a Christian perspective in a way that hits people in the heart, we might make some real progress.

Staying In A Relationship You Don't Want

2009-02-19T13:04:00.005-05:00

In thinking about my prior posts about no fault divorce reform I realized that some people will object to stricter rules that keep them in a marriage when they want out even though they voluntarily got into it.

I started to think of some similar situations when people voluntarily enter into an agreement and then wanted out.

One example I thought about was the military. Our current military in the U.S. is voluntary. You make a free will promise when you go in for "x" numbers of years. If you decide you don't like it anymore - you don't easily get out just because you decided you want out. Just try going AWOL and see how long it takes them to catch up with you and how serious they are about you fulfilling your obligation.

Another type of voluntary agreement people enter into is a car loan or a house loan. If you decide you just don't like your car or house anymore, or are not sure how to make the payments anymore, getting out is very difficult. Just try walking away from a car or house loan and see what happens to your credit report the next time you apply for a loan, a job, or a cell phone.

If you have kids with a spouse, or if you have them out-of-wedlock and your paternity is determined, even if you wanted the kids - just quit paying child support and see how friendly the system is when you tell them, "I just don't want the responsibility anymore".

My point is that it would seem to me that if you voluntarily agree to get married, then it should not be easy to change your mind and get out without major consequences, and the deck should be stacked so that the person who wants to stay in the marriage has more leverage than the one who wants out.

Divorce Reform/ McManus

2009-02-19T12:53:00.006-05:00

Mike McManus from Marriage Savers has written a three part series in his Ethics and Religion column about divorce reform.

I really like what he says about No-Fault divorce causing a situation where the defendant in a lawsuit - the person wanting to save their marriage with an unwilling partner - always loses.

He makes a case the no-fault divorce is actually unconstitutional. Makes sense to me.

Mike is a more succinct writer than me, so I will let you read and think for yourself.

http://ethicsandreligion.com/redesignedcolumns/C1427.htm

http://ethicsandreligion.com/redesignedcolumns/C1428.htm

http://ethicsandreligion.com/redesignedcolumns/C1429.htm

Fireproof the Movie Being Sold at Office Depot

2009-02-18T14:50:00.002-05:00

I was at the checkout today at Office Depot and they were selling Fireproof. I was very surprised to see it there, but encouraged with the broad distribution the movie is getting.

Possible Book and Encouragement for Reconciled

2009-02-18T14:45:00.002-05:00

My wife and I have been working on a book that will tell the story of our separation and reconciliation as well as provide resources for couples that are struggling.

Any prayers for this project are greatly appreciated. We have never written a book before and in writing our story it does bring back alot of less than wonderful memories.

For those of you who have reconciled don't get discouraged when memories from the past resurface, or you start to head into an old unhealthy pattern. My observation is that healing takes time and is not a straight line, but Jesus is with us all the way.

Post Valentine's Day

2009-02-17T16:46:00.002-05:00

Well, Valentine's Day has come and gone. This is a reminder to myself and any readers to ponder ways to continue to show love to our spouses even without the incentive of the Valentine's marketing machine.

It's also good to remember that little things count - a small card, an email or text, a small bouquet of flowers, doing an unexpected kindness, and more.

Here's to a year of Valentine's thoughtfulness.

No Fault Divorce Article

2009-02-17T13:00:00.003-05:00

This article by Mike McManus, co-founder of Marriage Savers, Inc., clearly makes a case for modifying our No-Fault Divorce Laws.

Read Reform No Fault Divorce here.

I do hope that over time our divorce laws can be reformed to encourage couples to hang onto their marriages and work things out. I am not sure where I saw it but there is a statistic out that shows that of a group of unhappy marriages, after five years, those that toughed it out in their marriage were happier in many ways than those who had given up and divorced.

More Love Dare Journals

2009-02-10T15:54:00.003-05:00

Just came across a site that has multiple journals from people doing "The Love Dare"

Check out Love Dare Journal.

Feeling/Will

2009-02-10T13:14:00.003-05:00

I was listening to Beth Moore yesterday when she was discussing doing the right thing. She had a very short statement that impressed me - "When you don't feel, you will."

What I took her to mean is that sometimes we don't feel like doing the right thing, but in those times we chose with our will to do the right thing. Good idea to keep in mind in marriage, especially in a struggling one.

I've also heard it another way - that if we do the right thing, i.e. obey God, our feelings will follow.

Joy of Simple Things

2009-02-04T09:58:00.004-05:00

Yesterday my wife had an hour meeting about a half hour drive away. I just went with her and chatted on our drive. While she was at her meeting I went to the nearby Barnes and Noble. Then we chatted some on our drive home.

Early in dating, it was nice just to be together, even without doing anything special; this helps bring back those good feelings.

Today, for no reason in particular, I counted the cars on a train as I was waiting for it to go by. Brought me back to childhood and reminded me of what Jesus said about us needing to be like children.

Don't forget to enjoy the simple things in life and in marriage - it can make a difference.

Fireproof at Redbox

2009-02-02T15:11:00.003-05:00

I just noticed that Fireproof was available at my local Redbox. If you are not familiar with Redbox, it is DVD's in a vending machine, and they cost 1$ per night to rent. They are often in groceries, Walmarts, or McDonald's. Go to Redbox to find one near you.

Fireproof Extras

2009-01-31T15:06:00.005-05:00

We got our DVD of Fireproof. There are lots of interesting extra features on the DVD that will help you get a better understanding of what went on behind the scenes.

My wife and I watched it again the other night, and even though it is my third time, I was still touched and inspired to continue to grow our marriage.

More Music

2009-01-31T15:03:00.004-05:00

I have many times when I listen to worship music and it helps my mood improve. I get bored with what I have in iTunes or my CD's, so I to get on http://www.pandora.com/. On Pandora you can pick a genre of music such as contemporary Christian, and it will automatically select songs for you. I believe you can also chose a favorite artist.

Four Soils Parable

2009-01-24T16:19:00.004-05:00

In Matthew Chapter 13 Jesus gives the parable of the four soils in reference to people coming to Christ.

It appears to me that the concept can also be applied to couples attitudes towards reconciling with their spouse.

As anyone who reads much of this blog probably realizes, I get discouraged that more couples don't grab hold of all the help that is available to turn their marriages around.

I keep trying to refine my message, and say it more effectively, but am also coming to grips with the fact of life, that many just won't hear and persist, but I need to be thankful for the ones who do.

Jesus talked about the seed sown along the path that the devil just snatches away before it takes root. These are the spouses who are already in an affair, or who have just mutually given up on their marriages.

He mentioned the seed sown along the path, that people receive it with joy, but their enthusiasm lasts only a short time until persecution comes. These are the spouses who hear our testimony of reconciliation, and say "Yeah, I want that for my marriage" but when we suggest resources they don't get around to really studying them or putting them into practice, and at the first setback with their spouse, they file for dissolution.

Jesus mentioned the seed that fell among the thorns that the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choked out. These are the spouses who say "Yeah, I want to save my marriage" but are going so fast that they can't spend a few hours a year to go to a marriage seminar, or spend an hour a week with a marriage counselor.

Then there is the seed that fell on the good soil, that sprang up and produced 60 or 100 fold. These are the spouses that really give serious consideration to my suggestions and do some of them, or come up with their own creative ideas and resources. They reconcile, and then go on to help others. There are certainly challenges along the way, but working with people like this energizes me, and gives me hope to keep trying.

Another Love Dare Resource

2009-01-23T15:39:00.003-05:00

I just came across another journal by someone who did "The Love Dare". See it here:

http://www.facebook.com/ext/share.php?sid=43992288538&h=qqdR_&u=axR5-

Testimonies

2009-01-23T14:52:00.003-05:00

I just asked a friend, a former counselor, what he has found to be helpful in encouraging couples to hang on to their marriages. He responded "Testimonies of other restored marriages."

I remembered back to our separation that testimonies were one of the main things that gave me hope.

Here are just a few testimonies I have on the top of my head. Names have been changed, but I suspect most would be willing to testify of God's work in their lives to help another couple.

Sue had an affair many years ago with Joe's good friend. She eventually confessed it, he confessed his time with a prostitute on a business trip, and now they are one of the most loving older couples I know.

Dick had an affair. Carol eventually found out. I believe they continued to live together, worked through the issues, and now work in their community to reconcile marriages.

Dave had on more than one occasion engaged in domestic violence. Joy confronted him and threatened to leave. He got good counseling help; now they lead the marriage ministry in their church.

My own wife and I were separated 16 months. My wife promised to divorce me and hired an attorney. We went to a one day seminar where we learned PAIRS - Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills - and now we are together and trained as marriage coaches and mentors.

Clint and Penny Bragg (their real names) were married, divorced, moved 3000 miles apart and didn't even know where the other one was. God brought them back together after 11 years and now they have a marriage ministry. See Inverse Ministries.

For even more testimonies, see Rejoice Ministries.

If you need hope please respond to one of my posts and I will share more of what God has done for us, and what I know He has done for others.

Financial Irony

2009-01-23T14:46:00.004-05:00

I was thinking about how ironic it is that many couples will spend enormous amounts of their money or their parents' money on a wedding ceremony. When they want to get divorced they will spend whatever it takes to get out of the marriage. But, couples will spend so little on maintaining or healing the marriage.

So often, they will grumble about spending money on counseling, or going to a marriage weekend retreat, but their own hobbies can often consume alot of money.

Why is it that it's so hard to convince couples of the benefits of spending money to build or save their marriage, before they spend even more tearing themselves apart legally?

New Reconciliation Resource

2009-01-18T10:38:00.005-05:00

I just received a copy of "Marriage on the Mend" by Clint and Penny Bragg, marriage missionaries. I have read a couple of chapters, and it looks like a great resource for those who have decided to reconcile their relationship, or for those who want to grow their marriage to new levels so they never go through a terrible time of struggle. They share their story, resources, exercises, and other testimonies of healed marriages as an encouragement for couples to stay together and work things out.

Clint and Penny were married, then divorced, but after 11 years and 3000 miles of being apart, through a miracle from God, they reconciled. I know them personally and they have a passion for seeing marriages healed.

For more on the book see Marriage on the Mend.
For more information about their ministry see Inverse Ministries.

Fork In The Road

2009-01-14T12:08:00.004-05:00

One thing I have noticed in my own reconciliation and in other struggling marriages is that people get to a fork in the road where they have to decide - am I going to proceed in life under the assumption that I am married and will continue to be married even when it doesn't look good, or am I going to proceed assuming that I probably won't be married, but hoping that maybe we will reconcile.

Actions that indicate you are on the road to staying married, in spite of appearances otherwise, are things such as:
**You continue to allow your spouse access to your accounts
**You continue to reach out to your spouse
**If you have been paying certain expenses, you continue that or increase it
**You refuse to date others
**You keep your wedding ring on
** Continuing to send small notes, cards, gifts to your spouse even if they are rejected

Actions that indicate that you are assuming you are getting divorced, maybe even as you are saying you really want to reconcile, are things such as:
**Dating others
**Restricting bank accounts
**Cutting back on what you are providing to your spouse
**Taking off your wedding ring
**Eliminating notes, cards, gifts etc. to your spouse

I remember a scripture in the Old Testament when Joshua was addressing Israel and God said "Today I set before you death and life, chose life."

Even if your marriage looks dead, remember God is in the business of resurrection - He rose Christ from the grave.

No Divorce/Key to Reconciliation

2009-01-14T11:58:00.004-05:00

As I have listened to and read stories of marriage reconciliations one common theme has been that at some point in time, one partner or the other put their foot down even when things looked hopeless and said "No Divorce!".

In my case, when my wife wanted a dissolution, I calmly told her that Jesus had said "Let no man put asunder what God has joined together". So for me to sign a dissolution would be to participate in ending my marriage and I could not in good conscience do that.

An incident that probably cemented my commitment was when I walked outside of our home and in a booming voice said something like "Spirit of Divorce, in the name of Jesus, be gone."

I can give testimony and can point to other testimonies, but at least one person in a struggling marriage has to somehow get to that bottom line determination to fight for their marriage with all they have and that is often when things look hopeless.

It is not something I can teach anyone, they have to wrestle it out with God until they get there in their own unique way.

Rejoice Ministries is one of the best resources for inspiration and practical advice for those prepared to stand for their marriage with all they have. Another good resource is Divorce Busting with Michelle Weiner-Davis.

Alot of People

2009-01-13T13:31:00.003-05:00

I often hear people mention how it seems there are alot of divorces in their church, community, and families. When you think about it, there probably are. Depending on what group you are looking at, and how the group is being measured, a divorce rate in the ball park of 50% is not uncommon. If half the people in a church or in a family got cancer, had a heart attack, or were killed, it would seem overwhelming. Even though divorce is not quite as dramatic as people dying, it is still very devastating. My hope is to be involved one marriage at a time in turning the tide.

New Resource

2009-01-10T14:30:00.003-05:00

I just came across a new resource that looked great called www.hopeformarriages.com.

It is by a married couple named Scruggs who were married 10 years, divorced seven years because of her affair, and are now remarried. They also have a book out "I Do Again." I am always so encouraged when I find stories like this.

Acting/Feeling

2009-01-09T16:56:00.004-05:00

I don't remember where I heard it but someone recently said "It is easier to act your way into a feeling, than to feel your way into acting."

I think this is quite profound.

On a practical level maybe there is something that you know you should do for your spouse, child, neighbor, and yet you just don't feel like it. If you make a choice to do whatever the action is, often times you will start to feel positive about them.

If you just wait for a feeling to hit you before you do anything you may wait a long time and miss out on the joy God has for you.

Reminds me of God's conversation with Cain in Genesis 4:6-7, "Then the LORD said to Cain, 'Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it.'"

Simplicity of Love Dare

2009-01-08T16:26:00.003-05:00

I think as married people we often believe that loving our spouse is either so hard we don't know how to do it, or something nebulous, or beyond us.

The nice thing about "The Love Dare" is that it shows us what love looks like in action, and it can be very simple things, although some can be hard to decide to do.

Some of the simple things are "Do one unexpected kindness for your spouse" or "Buy something unexpected for your spouse". A little harder is "To resolve to say nothing negative to your spouse."

Hopefully, I will make a habit of so many more of these actions.

Pondering Attorneys, Divorce Law

2009-01-08T14:27:00.003-05:00

One reference I would love to have is of an attorney or attorneys who are using the law in a thoughtful way to give as much chance as possible for a marriage to reconcile.

I know when it looked like my wife was going to get a divorce I was thinking about such things, although I never hired a divorce attorney.

I know in Ohio there is a little used provision where one party can request the judge to order marriage counseling. It is somewhat up to the judge's discretion.

I know that in California some people have been court ordered to go through "Reconciling God's Way".

One simple thing in most states is that even if a person is sued for divorce they have time, such as 30 days, to respond to the court. Just making your response filing towards the end of the filing period can slow things down.

I am sure that there are many other legal and ethical techniques that can be used to help the partner who is in a rush to get out of the marriage to think twice.

Alot of people will probably dismiss such things as a waste of time and say, "Why try?" when eventually the person will get their divorce.

My thought is that if you really believe that God hates divorce and that Jesus said "Let no man put asunder what God has joined together" and "All things are possible with God"- then why not try?

Family Life 40 Day Love Dare Challenge

2009-01-02T11:45:00.005-05:00

This morning I was on Facebook and found out that under groups they have "The 40 Day Love Dare" sponsored by Family Life.

From January 5th to February 13 Family Life is challenging couples to do "The Love Dare" and to "love like you mean it" culminating with a special time on Valentine's Day.

You can get your love dare each day by going to www.familylife.com/Meanit, listening M-F to Family Life Today on the radio, by signing up for a daily email reminder at www.familylife.com/Meanit.

My love for my wife grew as I did this before. I am looking forward to doing it again with her. Hoping to more and more develop loving her as a lifestyle.

Beware of the Dog House

2008-12-15T18:16:00.004-05:00

Beware of the Dog House

Go ahead and watch this 4min+ clip, Beware of the Dog House. No explanation needed, unless you have a perfect marriage, or are so young and in love that you wear rose-colored glasses.

It's funny... that is, unless you are in it.